WHY is it that I either have feast or feast in regards to guys…? I mean yes, it’s exactly what I’ve wanted and I put the energy out there to attract guys, but there’s always so many at once! It’s like there’s a lull or half-a-famine, and then BOOM! guys galore..!

At the moment I have 5 guys pursuing me… Only one of which is from a few months ago (I’ll have to update about him as well..) the other 4 are current.

Oh boy…(pun intended)

I hope that some of these guys are okay with me seeing other guys… I do tend to see more than one guy at once…

Although if I am frustrated already, I guess that’s not working so well for me, is it…?

Zee

Little did I know that from that day on until almost exactly 3 months later would be filled with a new guy, manipulation, guilt trips, pressure, pity parties, and creepy near stalking good times…

So, now on with the story…!

His name is Shane* and he is a friend of the birthday girl. I had met him a couple of times previously but didn’t really know him prior to the night of April Fools. On one previous occasion I had gotten the creeps from him yet had no explanation for why I felt that way. Something about him just wasn’t sitting well with me and (as will be shown later on – a feeling I brushed off). However, hindsight is always 20/20.

That night to flirt with him (a lot). I’m not sure whether it was the two jello shooters I had (never having been drunk in my life let alone drank alcohol) or if it was really the always sober me who liked him.

Basically I asked him out and we visited and flirted until 4AM that Saturday morning. We had the same views on life, spirituality, and education as well as countless other things. Shane seemed like my ideal man except that the idea of kissing him grossed me out.

A day or two before the day of our date, I was freaking out. I realized that I didn’t actually like Shane all that much and didn’t want to go on our date at all. As we had already rescheduled once I thought it’d be rude to cancel (in hindsight that would have been the better thing to do) but instead I went anyways.

Shane and I met for Sushi and then the plan was for us to go watch a movie (atleast I thought that’s what the plan was) but instead we ended up going back to his place to watch a movie. I was flirting with Shane yet still texting Grant. While in Shane’s bathroom I was texting Grant trying to arrange a booty call (remember this was in April before I ditched Grant in May..) so that I had a reason to leave Shane’s house. Needless to say the booty call plan was a dud and I ended up semi-cuddling with Shane on his couch.

I feared that Shane would try to make a move on me and therefore pretended to fall asleep. The plan worked so well though that I did end up dozing off while also trying to pretend to be paying attention to the movie.

I twitch and get itchy and fidgety while I’m falling asleep. I was very sleepy and fidgety. Shane got kicked a few times as my muscles spasmed and I apologized profusely as I didn’t mean to hurt him. Shane offered me his bed to stay the night and said he’d stay on his couch. I refused saying I should go home.

As soon as I awoke the next morning I realized that I couldn’t lie to Shane and lead him on any further. Easier said than done, atleast for me… I went on a total of what I would have considered about 3 dates (although we had never kissed, let alone hugged). When Shane asked me to be honest with him about a month later I told him I only wanted to be friends and that I couldn’t see it going anywhere with him. He said he felt the chemistry between us and couldn’t shake the idea that we were meant to be together.

I got freaked out by that and yet still agreed that I would give it time to see if maybe (yes his words – was just too afraid to be in a relationship). A few days passed (by this time it was near May) and I was still certain I did not want to date him. Shane tried and was rejected 4 times by me and still did not get the hint.

It was not until early June that Shane’s manipulation was clearly evident to me. I have a guy friend, Tripp* who had come to visit me from Vancouver (more about him in my next post) of whom Shane was jealous. Shane knew I would be spending my time with Tripp while he was here, thereby taking away any time that could have been spent with him.

Two days before Tripp was due to go back home to Vancouver, Shane sent me a text message directed to Tripp saying, “Dear *Zee’s* friend, I’m glad you came to Alberta to visit her, I know it made her happy. But it’s time to go home, I want her back now. See you next year!” I was very pissed off and showed the text to Tripp who was equally ticked off.

I decided right then to put Shane on “probation”. I had told Shane that I needed space and for me to get that space he was not to text me, call, email or Facebook me for two straight weeks. Why two weeks? Well that was just an arbitrary time frame in which I was hoping Shane would move on from me and his desire would wither and fade away.

For the next two weeks I was surprised that Shane respected my request. Once the two weeks was up however, he immediately started inundating me with communication saying that he did it, he had managed to adhere to my request and was so glad the two weeks was up. For some reason I then agreed to see him in person, and when I did I had to once again state that I was not interested in dating him.

Shortly after, one day Shane went a little berserk and kidnapped my friend (the birthday girl) for a few hours to rant about me and how we were meant to be together. She was not impressed by his behaviour and tried to talk some sense into him (it didn’t work).

Shane also went on a random road trip to a town in British Columbia 4 hours away to coincidentally find a four-leaf-clover which he stated in his love letter to me (was one of the signs that we were meant to be together).

As a result of all the supposed stress my rejection was causing him, Shane took a leave of absence from his place of employment and then subsequently quit his job. He told me on the phone that it was not to get me to pity him… I could see through his manipulation and could see that if he wasn’t trying to manipulate me, he wouldn’t have mentioned the leaving of his job at all.

Shane did not have any close friends of which he could complain to about me or confide in besides our one mutual friend (the birthday girl). Due to her getting fed up with hearing about me, he then tried to ‘befriend’ another of MY friends in order to get them on his side.

Shane even had the nerve to lie to me about our mutual friend and tried to pit us against eachother. Luckily I saw through it, but not before I phoned her very mad asking her why she would lie to my face and then say other things to Shane. We soon figured out that he was trying to pit us, one against the other.

On July 3rd, 2011, I had the final rejection phone call with Shane in which I told him I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him anymore or see him.

I have since both deleted and blocked him from my Facebook, removed his number from my phone, and will not speak to him.

Zee

*not his real name.

By May I was absolutely positive that Grant had no interest in me whatsoever (yes, I get it…I’m a slow learner…) and I basically stated in nice terms for him to f*ck off.

However, before that online instant messaging conversation over MSN took place, I had tried to arrange a booty call more than once between April and May and each time Grant would blow me off or give some sort of excuse instead of just telling me he wasn’t interested. I had made sure to tell him what I expected and he never once lived up to those expectations.

The expectations were simple, call me, talk to me, AND see me in public. He wouldn’t do any of the above, and on that fateful day of the 7th of May I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. Out of saving face, he sent me one last text the next day on Sunday saying we’d hang out sometime, and then I never heard from him again.

As I still had not deleted him off of my Facebook (I only just deleted him a few weeks ago…I know, I know!) I learned that about three weeks after we stopped talking, he had started dating a single woman with a child.

Go figure, eh…?

Zee

The past 5 months have kept me busy and as I’m sure you can judge by the title of this post there has been no shortage of men either… However, I will make it clear that having 7 men involved in my life in some way does NOT mean that it’s all about sex, because it’s really not.

I guess I’ll have to update my blog with one post per guy, which means a total of 7 posts. I’ll write each post to update everyone about each guy who has appeared, disappeared (or both) in the past 5 months.

I hope you’re looking forward to getting the rundown on all that has happened in my life. I’ll try to give you all the nitty-gritty details. Although I can’t promise that sometimes they won’t be sad or pathetic… :S

Zee

I am not sure whether this was all the prompting Grant needed to text me on Friday (April 1) or whether he would have texted me anyways without the previous nights sexual texts. Grant was texting me while I was in the university library chatting with a guy I know, so I wasn’t responding to his texts. When I finally texted Grant back I told him that I got busy talking with a guy I know and was busy. He sent a few small talk texts and then invited me over to his place… Weird… I thought. I didn’t think that Grant would ever invite me over.

I decided that I would go over to Grant’s place for an hour before I had to pick up my son from daycare. I figured it was probably a booty call as Grant and I have long since forgone the talking and go straight to making out and fooling around instead.

I got to Grant’s house and he gave me a mini-tour (there was really not much to see in his tiny basement suite). Then we sat on his couch and talked a bit (I had a deja-vu then) and shortly after proceeded to his bedroom…

He kissed me first and we started making out. After a bit of making out I said, “So you invite me over for a booty-call huh?” And his reply was, “No, I just really thought it was time I invited you over.” Uh huh, I don’t believe that…. :S

We did fool around, no condom means no sex, so we didn’t have sex. I didn’t orgasm but he did. Of course, guys always get off… As I was putting my clothes on I said, “Thanks for the booty call, I have to go now.”

I had to leave and got ready to go. It was REALLY awkward leaving his place as he walked me to the door. As I left I said stupidly, “I should come over more often.” And he was like, OH? And then I tried to cover it up by saying, “I mean earlier, then there’s more time to like do other stuff..” It was awkward. He just said bye, there was no hug, no kiss, no nothing.

Onwards and upwards?? …. haha not quite

On Saturday I hadn’t heard from him at all (he works night shift and so was sleeping all day) so I waited until the evening and texted him. I said, “Hey, I feel like I was really awkward when I left your house yesterday :S ” He replied an hour later and said, “Haha no worries” then I texted back saying have a good shift at work that night and he replied saying he’d try. And then I texted back and never got any sort of reply.

I regret texting Grant on Saturday because I know that if I hadn’t texted him first I wouldn’t have heard from him at all.

I was having a rough go this morning and couldn’t wait until early evening to text Grant and invite him over to watch a movie tonight. Instead I started reading the book, He’s Just Not That Into You to confirm that I didn’t need to text him. In fact, even though I KNOW this, I am trying to bide my time trying not to drive myself crazy until and indeed IF (and that’s a BIG if) Grant will text.

I did however delete all his texts from the inbox on my cell phone so it makes it harder for me to text him. I actually have to physically input his phone number into my phone if I want to text him (okay, so it may not stop me – but I have to give up on him somehow..)

Zee

The last time I saw Mark was when he came down here to Southern Alberta to visit our son. This was two weeks ago on the weekend of March 11-13. On Sunday the 13th, when he brought our son back after their visit that day Mark noticed a pink rose in a vase sitting on my kitchen table. He cautiously asked who gave it to me. I told him the truth (although I felt like lying), that I had gotten it from a religious meeting that I had taken part in that day.

I told him that unfortunately I did not get it from a guy. He seemed visibly upset and kept staring at me. I asked him why he was staring at me and he said he wasn’t staring. He was though. I asked him again and at this point Mark said, “Oh, you’re just as gorgeous as always..That’s all.” I was taken aback and didn’t know what to say. I started rambling on nervously about being dressed up because of the religious event that I took part in that day and that the day previous I was hit on and honked up by a bunch of horny teenagers who wanted me to flash them my breasts. Unfortunately that was also a true story, LOL.

Since that day Mark has been polite on the phone with me, courteous and to my great suprise COMMUNICATIVE. He wants to talk to me, and has been very assertive (using feeling words and I-statements) without being aggressive. It seems like he really is changing…!

He came down to our city for his now-regular-again every 2 week visit with our son, and arrived yesterday afternoon. I didn’t feel comfortable with him picking up our son from daycare without me there, as I’d rather be the one signing our son in and out, etc. So I called Mark and asked him if he could pick me up from the University and then we’d go to the daycare together.

Mark picked me up with no complaint whatsoever and we both went to the daycare to pick up our son. During the drive to the daycare he asked what my plans were for that night. I told him that although I was invited out to a few things, had no plans (as Mark does not take Kelwyn overnight). I asked him why he wanted to know, and he said that he was hoping we could talk. I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said he just wanted to get together to visit and hang out. The words “hang out” made me nervous but I agreed.

He brought our son back at 8pm as agreed and Mark helped with the bedtime routine. Once our son was settled Mark and I visited. It went a lot better than I expected and surprisingly I was the one who was slightly annoyed and non-communicative. I was answering everything with one-word answers and Mark gently pressed that he wanted more information. He was so polite and interested in my life that I did tell him how school was going and what clubs and groups I am a part of here.

I wish that he could have been like this while we were married. At that time he didn’t give a rat’s ass to what was going on in my life. I was cautious as to what and how much information I shared with him as I know he may try to use things against me in court.

He was still giving me those weird stares (and I could tell he was checking me out a lot) and so I kept prying as to why he was staring. And then I mentioned the incident of the staring while he was here on the 13th. For some reason he told me (and here is where the curveball comes in), that he had a breakdown after going back to his hotel that night (the 13th) after seeing the rose on my kitchen table. He said that even though he knew it was not from a guy he still felt sad because of all the emotions he was experiencing from losing me.

I told him that I was confused because I didn’t think he loved me anymore and he said, “I never said that. I can’t say anything because you’ve moved on, you’re doing what you want.” And in not so many words I knew that he still loves me and wants me back.

I wanted to yell and scream and hit him and cry all at the same time. Instead I just stayed sitting beside him on the couch and said nothing. Then slowly I said, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be with you again” and at that moment I swear I heard the crack from his heart breaking in two, inside his chest. It seemed so loud that the crack would have split me open too if I had not already made up my mind that I can’t take him back, not after everything that has happened. I then quickly said that I noticed he is changing and that I am very glad that he is doing it not for me but for himself.

We talked about his plans for work and whether he will move to be closer to our son and he said that he doesn’t know what he will do with his life. He explained that he is putting a lot of kilometres on his truck from all the driving down to visit and knows that he would be able to spend less money (on hotels, gas and his truck) if he were to move closer to us. He also said he knows that even if he moves closer he won’t see our son for any more time than he already does now, but that it would save him money so he is still not sure as to what he wants to do.

The visit went well (and even though part of me didn’t want him there, the love for him slowly started filtering back in and he stayed because I said I wanted to watch a movie). We ended up watching a movie on Netflix together, “About A Boy”. Mark and I sat beside eachother on the couch and for the first time in years I could stand to be beside him. We didn’t kiss or fool around or anything like that. In fact the only physical contact I allowed myself was to stretch out one of my legs over his lap as I was uncomfortable. He left at 2AM.

I pray a lot about him changing for the better and for our situation together to improve. It seems like faith has been helping (or maybe I should give Mark some credit too…)  ;)

Zee

Even though we had our sex talk stating that we weren’t ready for sex we still fooled around 3 times. I jerked him off twice, and the last time he got me off and I didn’t jerk him off. My son walked in on us that last time…luckily, the lights in the bedroom were off and my son was still half asleep and didn’t notice anything. But needless to say, it dampened our mood. Thank goodness that he did walk in though, otherwise I may have ended up having sex with Grant.

This took place on Wednesday the 16th of March. I did tell Grant I wanted a condom and he said no, he wasn’t ready. I respect him for that. So we didn’t have sex (for that reason – and the my son walking in on us reason).

But in the ten days following our last session of fooling around Grant has texted me a grand total of 4 times. I ended up texting him about what I needed (which was him showing me by his actions what he said he wants – which are dates and other activities besides being friends with benefits). He said he wants more for us than being friends with benefits (even though we wouldn’t be in a relationship yet) and I told him until he proves it to me by his actions, we are nothing more than that.

I also talked with him in person about 3 weeks ago regarding the same subject, and he said “I will prove it to you.” – meaning that he would hang out with me in public, or at his house and plan A date. A single date is NOT hard to plan.. anyways he’s not done anything at all since.

I am so frustrated that I started falling (again..) for such a douche…

In my mind we’ve been over for a few weeks even though I still get the occasional “Hey, how’s it going?” text from him.

Zee

I explained that I wanted to wait a few months or atleast until we’re in an actual exclusive relationship with eachother and decide we’re both ready for sex. I told him it wasn’t that I didn’t want it but that I wanted to wait because I didn’t want sex to mess anything up.

Grant told me that he agreed 100% and not that he didn’t want sex either but that he was fine with waiting. He texted, “I am very happy with where we are and the friendship/relationship we are developing. The last thing I want to do is force anything.”

I am glad that we are now (if we weren’t already before) on the same page. He texted me saying, “Please continue to talk to me about anything you are concerned about :)”  I said that I will. I thanked him after we had our discussion and told him that I really appreciated the open communication. I told him that I think it’s very important to have open and honest communication in any healthy friendship/relationship. He agreed with that as well, and told me that’s it’s something really important to him. I said it was for me as well.

I’m so happy that Grant and I are both okay with waiting for sex until we’re in an exclusive committed relationship. I wasn’t sure what he’d think about it before, but now that I know he’s on the same page as me, it makes it that much easier.

I really love that he is so open and honest with me, it will make for a strong relationship if we ever come to that stage. I also feel like he will respect my boundaries and not push anything on me. I am not worried that we will falter and have sex because we have made it very clear to eachother that we will wait. 

Hopefully we’ll start talking on the phone more, as discussing things via text messages is getting to be somewhat draining… Atleast I know I can talk to him about that as well.  :)

Zee

After the movie, (he never leaves right away… I wonder why… hehehe) we cuddled and talked on my couch. We talk a lot, which is exactly the type of person I need to be with, someone who can listen to me blab and blab right back at me.

I was  frustrated that he wasn’t making a move and at one point he asked what I was thinking. I said, “I’m thinking that I really want to kiss you.” He responded by saying, “I was thinking the same thing,” then he leaned towards me and kissed me. Oh, it was so sweet. He is definately not a bad kisser. I however, like forceful kissing and he seems to be more passive. Oh well, with time I’m sure we’ll find our comfort zone. It was fabulous anyways though.. :)

While we were talking, I asked Grant why he didn’t make a move on me sooner and he had said that he didn’t know if I wanted to kiss, and that he was a coward. I told him that I really did want to kiss and that he was definately not a coward, just slow… :P  When I asked him if I seemed too easy, Grant told me that if he thought I was easy he would have made a move a lot sooner. We also talked about how many sexual partners we’ve each had, and how much we each like sex. We were pretty open with eachother. His openess and honesty is something I really appreciate about him.

We were both getting really aroused from all the making out, but we also knew that sex would be a bad idea. We did however fool around. He explored my nether regions and I gave him a hand-job with some of my hand lotion, due to the lack of lubricants in my house.

Afterwards, we did end up talking a bit more (but he was tired – I wonder why…LOL) and then he went home shortly after 12:30AM. He and I kissed goodbye at my door.

I was slightly concerned that I screwed things up with Grant by being too easy, even though he did say that I wasn’t.

Zee

Low and behold Monday was Valentine’s day… Grant texted me to cancel our date. He said it was due to him having too much homework and could we reschedule it. I had originally told him that either Monday or Tuesday would work and so we just planned for him to come over the next day (Tuesday the 15th) instead.

Zee